I lost my grandma may of this year.
For the few weeks after she passed my mom was at her house every day sorting through her belongings and prepping her childhood home for sale.
As the weeks wore on and her house became more and more void of items and memories it once held; I noticed that our house began to fill up with senseless trinkets and knickknacks from way back when. My first response was to get frustrated. “We don’t need all these things in the house. These items aren’t her. Keeping them won’t bring her back.” I would think to myself. Getting angry because the hoarding compulsion was something that was passed down from generation to generation to cope with the loss of family members and I worried it would get to me too. Slowly as time has gone by we have minimized the amount of things kept from her home. And I have come to realize that these little things we keep are helping us cope. Whether it’s a crocheted doily, antique Christmas ornaments or a pearl necklace. They remind me of my grandma. And I need that sometimes. Small things like a holiday snow globe I gave her when I was seven that I see on my dresser each morning. Or a butterfly pin on my jacket when I leave the house. Little reminders that she was real and her love was real. These trinkets keep me going. Cause sometimes memories are hard to hoard.
I dream that you are next to me at night. Only to find out the truth in the morning.
I long to struggle by your side in a tiny apartment
Paying bills and making dinner out of whatever we find in the cabinets.
Giving you a peck goodbye before I start my night shift
Or packing you lunch to take with you when you leave our bed in the morning
Household chores on weekends would be so much better if we could do them together
Even though you like to unplug the vacuum when im not looking
Which makes me crazy
Naps would be my favorite thing again
I imagine a sunny afternoon of cuddling under blankets and falling asleep watching your chest rise and fall
Because I am so in love with you
And Knowing that together we are working towards this goal is usually enough to keep me going without complaint or question
Tonight,I miss you.
The worst loss is one you aren’t ready for.
The one where your phone chimes from a familiar number and you expect to just have a random conversation with someone you have known so well.
“Grandma was found unresponsive on the couch at her house and she is on her way to the hospital”
“They tried doing CPR but she didn’t wake up.”
Those are the texts I recieved from my little sister,Hannah. On my way back from my North Carolina vacation and the high of relaxation was stripped from me and replaced with heart break.
I should have been there. With her. With them. But,I was stuck in a car on the thruway 7 hours from home.
With my boyfriend asleep in the back seat and his mother behind the wheel I was left to sob quietly and think about such a huge piece of my life just gone.
And I know where she is. She knew where she was going. To see my grandpa. They Both loved God and trusted Him. But,with grandpa we had warning. He had been sick a long long time and was ready to go. It was different with grandma. I had just seen her not even 7 days before.
I showed up at her door holding in my hand the blanket I had crocheted by hand. Knowing that it was nice and all. but that it couldn’t really become perfect to me until grandpa picked it up,examined the stitching,and told me I did a good job……which is exactly what she did. Grandma’s approval was all the grandkids wanted. Everyone at one point or another was labeled “grandma’s favorite”. We knew she didn’t choose favorites. Yet, It still meant something to us.
It’s been 5 months since she left. Dealing with this loss gets harder and harder some days.
Just because we are saddened by the loss of someone because they are more well known then others does not mean we don’t feel sadness for others. Any person who loses their life deserves to be grieved. Because,they meant something to someone. Please,don’t make death anything to be taken lightly. Life is Life
I’m a normal human.
I make mistakes like anyone else.
So, why do I feel the need to be “cool” in your eyes?
Even though I preach “live life your own Way” I still want acceptance from you at times. And I hate it.
I don’t want to be this way. And I really don’t have to.
Every morning when my head leaves that pillow I want to sit up and shout that I will not be controlled by the opinion of people just as lost as I have been! I am strong! I am unique!
And,no. I don’t have more then four really good friends in my life or endless likes on social media. But, I have a loving boyfriend, a forgiving God and an accepting family. And wether I am popular or not. You will not take that away from me by spreading rumors.
So, you can keep your instalikes and Facebook friends. That’s fine with me.
But, I choose living life over social acceptance.
I’m working on some new things! This is very different cause I am usually so complacent in my life choices.
I am looking into a new Job! I want to work with people who have special needs! This would be ideal. I love helping people and making a difference. If it all works out I would be doing overnights and making sure these clients are sleeping okay and helping them get ready for classes the next morning. I want this job so bad. Not just for the experience. But, also to be moved out of this hostile work area I am now in.
Also, I am starting to eat healthier and take more walks so as to be less sluggish. Things only worsen if you let them and I refuse to become unhealthy. I am not thin. I am “average” and Italian. Which means I have a tummy and a shapely figure (butt). That doesn’t mean I should just give up and accept what I was dealt. I can make better choices in what I eat and how much time I spend on Netflix😩 running is my friend.
I hope all who are following show me as much support as possible!
I love sharing my journey to bettering myself with you!
And I have social anxiety.
I didn’t try to become this way.
I was such an outgoing child/teen. But, ever since my twenties I can’t talk to people outside of my old circle of trust. If I do I can’t make myself hold eye contact after the hello.
Am I okay? I don’t know. It’s so strange cause I wanna be outgoing. I just don’t know how.
Every time I try to talk to people my breath catches and I have slight panic attacks.
People tell me “just branch out. It’s not that hard to talk to someone and make conversations.”
But, they don’t know how much it strains me to find words to speak without repeating myself 12 times.