The worst best day of my life 

The worst best day of my life 

June – eighteenth – Twenty Sixteen

This day will always be popping into my head.

-We should have cleaned the hall floors first. They were gross. (My poor mom mopped the whole hall after we left. She’s the best.)

-We should have hung more lights. It was very cavelike.

-We should have asked the DJ to lower the music a bit. Poor older guests. 
-we should have spent more time making rounds and saying hello to people who traveled so far instead of limiting ourselves to a certain area.

-The “okay” should have been given for people to start eating BEFORE we arrived. 

-Pictures take a long time.

-The caterers were supposed to cover the buffet tables with tablecloths and serve the food. Not watch people wait in line. Would have gone so much faster. 

-The Air Conditioner needed to be on full blast and it wasn’t. 

-for the first hour we had so many drinks and no ice. 

-Someone should have removed the guy in the khakis and pink polo who was yelling a lot. Tyler and I did not know him and he became intoxicated before the reception even started. “Please, don’t hug me.” (Not cool.)

My anxious soul will dwell on all these things for hours if I let it. When I should be focusing on one thing….

June – Eighteenth – Twenty Sixteen

I said “I do” to the man God picked for me. I chose to submit (yes, Submit) to someone who strives everyday to bring me joy and make me laugh. Who prays with me, encourages me, loves me and never lets me doubt my self worth. This man is so different from most other men I have met. He is devoted,trustworthy, faithful and respectful. My Tyler. 

In front of friends and family I looked at him and vowed to love, honor and obey. I meant every word.

When I think back on this changing day in my life I don’t want to be focusing on all the things that could have been better. 

I wanna see the look on his face when my father walked me down the aisle. The nervous grip of his hands on mine as pastor gave a Gospel message. The love in his eyes when he said his vows. And finally the smile he had when we were pronounced and he got to kiss his wife! Those are precious memories to me. 

Hindsight is 20/20. But I will choose to look ahead. And thank Jesus for the insignificant mistakes that make these special moments things to be treasured. 

-The new Mrs. Williams 

John 15:12

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”

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Small pieces

I lost my grandma may of this year.

For the few weeks after she passed my mom was at her house every day sorting through her belongings and prepping her childhood home for sale.
As the weeks wore on and her house became more and more void of items and memories it once held; I noticed that our house began to fill up with senseless trinkets and knickknacks from way back when. My first response was to get frustrated. “We don’t need all these things in the house. These items aren’t her. Keeping them won’t bring her back.” I would think to myself. Getting angry because the hoarding compulsion was something that was passed down from generation to generation to cope with the loss of family members and I worried it would get to me too. Slowly as time has gone by we have minimized the amount of things kept from her home. And I have come to realize that these little things we keep are helping us cope. Whether it’s a crocheted doily, antique Christmas ornaments or a pearl necklace. They remind me of my grandma. And I need that sometimes. Small things like a holiday snow globe I gave her when I was seven that I see on my dresser each morning. Or a butterfly pin on my jacket when I leave the house. Little reminders that she was real and her love was real. These trinkets keep me going. Cause sometimes memories are hard to hoard.

Will you marry me?

I dream that you are next to me at night. Only to find out the truth in the morning.

I long to struggle by your side in a tiny apartment
Paying bills and making dinner out of whatever we find in the cabinets.

Giving you a peck goodbye before I start my night shift
Or packing you lunch to take with you when you leave our bed in the morning

Household chores on weekends would be so much better if we could do them together
Even though you like to unplug the vacuum when im not looking
Which makes me crazy

Naps would be my favorite thing again

I imagine a sunny afternoon of cuddling under blankets and falling asleep watching your chest rise and fall

Because I am so in love with you

And Knowing that together we are working towards this goal is usually enough to keep me going without complaint or question

But,not tonight.
Tonight,I miss you.

I wasn’t ready

The worst loss is one you aren’t ready for.

The one where your phone chimes from a familiar number and you expect to just have a random conversation with someone you have known so well.

“Grandma was found unresponsive on the couch at her house and she is on her way to the hospital”

“They tried doing CPR but she didn’t wake up.”

“She’s gone.”

Those are the texts I recieved from my little sister,Hannah. On my way back from my North Carolina vacation and the high of relaxation was stripped from me and replaced with heart break.

I should have been there. With her. With them. But,I was stuck in a car on the thruway 7 hours from home.

With my boyfriend asleep in the back seat and his mother behind the wheel I was left to sob quietly and think about such a huge piece of my life just gone.

And I know where she is. She knew where she was going. To see my grandpa. They Both loved God and trusted Him. But,with grandpa we had warning. He had been sick a long long time and was ready to go. It was different with grandma. I had just seen her not even 7 days before.

I showed up at her door holding in my hand the blanket I had crocheted by hand. Knowing that it was nice and all. but that it couldn’t really become perfect to me until grandpa picked it up,examined the stitching,and told me I did a good job……which is exactly what she did. Grandma’s approval was all the grandkids wanted. Everyone at one point or another was labeled “grandma’s favorite”. We knew she didn’t choose favorites. Yet, It still meant something to us.

It’s been 5 months since she left. Dealing with this loss gets harder and harder some days.

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I am very excited

In two weeks I disappear 🙂

Not from life. But, from my current job. I have received the job working with people with special needs! I am beyond excited for this opportunity.

Also, the thought of disappearing from my current job is something to be happy about. I do not have any friends here Or people I talk to regularly. So, when my last day comes (July 26th!) I will walk out the door an nobody will know I am gone. It’s the best way for me to leave and I am more then ecstatic to never have to be taken for granted this much again.

This new job is not just a job. But, a career. Something I can devote my life to and spend my days doing something meaningful.

Only two weeks left till the transformation!

I don’t claim perfection

I’m a normal human.
I make mistakes like anyone else.

So, why do I feel the need to be “cool” in your eyes?

Even though I preach “live life your own Way” I still want acceptance from you at times. And I hate it.

I don’t want to be this way. And I really don’t have to.

Every morning when my head leaves that pillow I want to sit up and shout that I will not be controlled by the opinion of people just as lost as I have been! I am strong! I am unique!

And,no. I don’t have more then four really good friends in my life or endless likes on social media. But, I have a loving boyfriend, a forgiving God and an accepting family. And wether I am popular or not. You will not take that away from me by spreading rumors.

So, you can keep your instalikes and Facebook friends. That’s fine with me.

But, I choose living life over social acceptance.

Thanks