I wasn’t ready

The worst loss is one you aren’t ready for.

The one where your phone chimes from a familiar number and you expect to just have a random conversation with someone you have known so well.

“Grandma was found unresponsive on the couch at her house and she is on her way to the hospital”

“They tried doing CPR but she didn’t wake up.”

“She’s gone.”

Those are the texts I recieved from my little sister,Hannah. On my way back from my North Carolina vacation and the high of relaxation was stripped from me and replaced with heart break.

I should have been there. With her. With them. But,I was stuck in a car on the thruway 7 hours from home.

With my boyfriend asleep in the back seat and his mother behind the wheel I was left to sob quietly and think about such a huge piece of my life just gone.

And I know where she is. She knew where she was going. To see my grandpa. They Both loved God and trusted Him. But,with grandpa we had warning. He had been sick a long long time and was ready to go. It was different with grandma. I had just seen her not even 7 days before.

I showed up at her door holding in my hand the blanket I had crocheted by hand. Knowing that it was nice and all. but that it couldn’t really become perfect to me until grandpa picked it up,examined the stitching,and told me I did a good job……which is exactly what she did. Grandma’s approval was all the grandkids wanted. Everyone at one point or another was labeled “grandma’s favorite”. We knew she didn’t choose favorites. Yet, It still meant something to us.

It’s been 5 months since she left. Dealing with this loss gets harder and harder some days.